Over the course of a lifetime, men face a variety of inevitable stresses that create emotional responses. Dealing with death and dying presents some of life’s greatest emotional stress. There are two ways in which a man finds himself confronting the issues surrounding death and dying: as someone caring for a dying person, most often a parent, and as someone who is facing his own death. In both roles he must find ways to deal with his grief. Grief affects each person differently but typically involves four stages shock, denial, depression and withdrawal, and acceptance. If you are grieving, it is important for your emotional health to talk about your feelings to a family member or a close friend, to others in a support group, or to a counselor. “Bottled up” emotions can lead to depression, withdrawal from friends and society, sudden irrational outbursts, feelings of anger and resentment, insomnia, and even physical illness. Here are some positive steps you can take to deal with grief:
• Rest, eat a healthy diet (see page 43), and keep warm (emotional stress will make your body temperature drop). Avoid caffeine and alcohol because they can add to your stress.
• Use relaxation techniques. Try deep breathing. People who are under stress tend to hold their breath or to breathe shallowly, which can cause fatigue and anxiety.
• Express your feelings. Talk to family, friends, members of a support group, or clergy.
• Accept help. Let others care for you. Let your friends and family make a meal for you, do some housework, or just listen to you. Such support can be healing for them as well as for you.
• Take as much time as you need. Grieving has no time frame.
• Think about how your life has changed and what that means for the future.
Family Caregiving
A large part of the stress related to the dying of family members has to do with the challenges of providing care. People who have a terminal illness usually have important and wide-ranging needs for assistance in addition to the medical care they receive from physicians and other healthcare workers. A majority of people
who are dying require home nursing care, help with transportation, homemaking services, and personal care. In many cases their families must take on the substantial burden of caring for them. In some cases, home healthcare programs may help. Traditionally, women have provided most of the home care, even when the family member is the man’s parent or grandparent. But today, with most women working outside the home, men and members of religious or civic organizations have an opportunity to be more actively engaged in caring for the dying. People are relying increasingly on paid workers to provide the nonmedical care needed by family members who are dying.
Hospice Care
Hospice care is a life-affirming approach to caring for people who are in the final phase of a terminal illness. Hospice regards death as a natural part of life, and emphasizes the comfort and quality of life of a dying person. The focus is on relieving pain and controlling other symptoms. With hospice care, a dying person is allowed to live his or her last days with dignity, pain-free and alert, surrounded by loved ones at home or in a homelike setting. In general, a person becomes eligible to enter a hospice program when a doctor has determined that he or she has 6 months or less to live and refers him or her to a hospice program. Family members, friends, clergy, or healthcare professionals also can make referrals. Under the supervision of a doctor, an interdisciplinary team doctors, nurses, therapists, counselors, social workers, clergy, healthcare aides, and volunteers works closely with the dying person to provide medical care and support. The team deals with the person’s medical, emotional, and spiritual needs. And because the entire family is regarded as the “unit of care,” the hospice team also provides support and assistance to the person’s loved ones. Members of the hospice team are available to assist the person and his or her loved ones 24 hours a
day, 7 days a week. After the person has died, the hospice program also provides grief counseling to the survivors.
Advance Directives
When a person becomes seriously ill and is no longer able to make decisions about his or her healthcare, those decisions are usually made by a close family member or by the person’s doctor. Advance directives are legal documents designed to help ensure that healthcare decisions made on a person’s behalf are consistent with his or her preferences. Advance directives may provide either general guidelines or specific instructions. Although advance directives do not go into effect until the person is unable to make his or her own healthcare decisions, the forms should be prepared and signed long before they are needed. When the person is in a hospital or a nursing home, emotional factors may make it challenging to talk about the forms (and the issues involved). These documents should be reviewed and updated regularly. The person can revise or withdraw his or her advance directives at any time. Advance directive forms are available through hospital social service departments and from state or local medical societies and bar associations, or you can consult a lawyer to produce your own living will and durable power of attorney for healthcare. Because requirements for advance directives vary from state to state, you should consider talking to a lawyer when preparing or filling out these documents. Be sure to tell the doctor and the person you have chosen to make your healthcare decisions about your advance directives. Give each of them a copy, and keep a copy for yourself. The most common types of advance directives are living wills, durable powers of attorney, do-not-resuscitate orders, and organ and tissue donor cards:
• A living will is a document that indicates a person’s wishes regarding lifesustaining medical treatments. It is prepared by a competent person and goes into effect only when the person is unable to speak for himself or herself. A living will guides medical professionals and family members so they can make healthcare decisions that are consistent with the person’s beliefs. A living will can be revised or withdrawn by the person at any time. You should consult a lawyer when preparing a living will because legal requirements vary from state to state.
• A durable power of attorney for healthcare is a document in which a competent person gives another person (called a healthcare proxy) the power to make healthcare decisions for him or her. It goes into effect only in the event that the person is unable to make such decisions. The durable power of attorney can be withdrawn by the person who initiated it at any time.
• A do-not-resuscitate (DNR) order states that no one should perform heroic measures, including CPR and the use of mechanical life support equipment, to restart a person’s heart should it stop. The document must be signed by the person if he or she is competent (or by his or her healthcare proxy if he or she is not competent) and by his or her doctor. In some cases, doctors recommend that people wear a special bracelet or necklace that communicates their DNR status to emergency responders. The person should keep a copy of the document in his or her home in a prominent place where it will be noticed by emergency medical personnel called to the home; the doctor should keep a copy in the person’s medical records at all times to make sure that the person’s wishes are respected. DNR orders can be withdrawn at any time by the patient, as long as he or she is competent.
• Anorgan and tissue donor card informs medical personnel that your organs and tissues may be used for transplant in the event of your death. Many states provide an opportunity to register as an organ and tissue donor when you apply for a driver’s license or state identification card. Your donor status is then indicated on the license or identification card. Be sure to tell your loved ones that you are a registered donor.
